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Grand Central Political Magazine
Obama's Camouflage Campaign
By Thomas Alex
We all know that Barack Obama's real-world military experience is nothing more than a game of Electronic Talking Battleship and riding unpainted Jeep Wranglers while campaigning at the Chrysler plant. But how does Barack compete against John McCain's honorable military record, which includes nearly six years as a POW? Call for back up!
Instead of hopping into a Panzer, posing for the cameras and sporting Dukakis-style headgear, he will scramble a brigade of liberals with military credibility to speak on his behalf. These "Camouflage Liberals" may easily be dismissed as partisan attack dogs, but their credentials make them far more effective distractions against McCain's campaign than Cindy Sheehan ever could.
His first draftee? General Wesley Clark, whose "Because of Iraq, Arrested Development Got Cancelled" slogan resonated in 2006 with voters disillusioned with the handling of the war. Clark's military experience in smart bombing Serbia in 1999 is gravy, and he possesses enough medals to get him strip-searched at LaGuardia.
Recently, Clark blasted McCain's POW experience alone as not being a good qualification to be president. Concurrently, he praised Obama's community organizing in Chicago as a sign of good character and strength. Expect Clark to be nitpicking every salute McCain makes from now until Election Day.
Speaking of Clark(e), media favorite Richard Clarke has gladly lent his brain to the Obama Campaign to bolster their credibility on counterterrorism. Clarke's fiery criticism in his 2004 testimony in front of the 9/11 Commission was a shot across the bow of the Bush Administration for what he perceived as failure of our government to protect us.
Though Clarke has pointed his finger at government officials on both sides including himself, he is mainly anti-status quo, which would make him a perfect soldier of "change" for Obama. Look for Obama to exploit Clarke's criticism of the current White House's counterterrorism strategies, while he uses his own lack of government experience as a form of immunity from this criticism.
Obama may also try his darnedest to seduce turncoat Nebraska Senator and Vietnam War veteran Chuck Hagel into joining his campaign. Hagel's the perfect distraction, because the (R) in front of his name gives him instant bipartisan swagger. He openly called President Bush's administration "incompetent" and to this day ignores the surge's success just like Obama.
If it wasn't for all the other stuff Hagel stands for (pro-life, pro-gun, etc.), he would certainly continue his political courtship tactics (his "Hagel Kegel" exercises) to entice the senator as a VP pick. But Hagel's chiefly conservative record would only net him a William Cohen-esque cabinet position that would largely keep him away from the gobs of other policy positions the two differ on. Hagel's purpose is to screw with the war, nothing more.
Ultimately, Obama's battle plan is a proxy war. Whether he uses a Cleland, Kerry, or a Murtha, his weapon of choice ultimately doesn't matter as long as he isn't the one making the criticism. In case one of his fellow soldiers' goes over the line, he can still distance himself enough to maintain his phantom bipartisanism. After all, if you are indeed the Messiah of the Democrat Party, why not let your disciples do all the dirty work?
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Thomas Alex, a 2006 alum from the University of Washington, is a freelance blogger, and creative and cultural writer currently residing in Seattle, WA.